In the past I’ve always had an ax to grind. That fed my writing. Tonight, as I reached to pick up my ax I realized I had ground it down to the handle.
With utmost sincerity, I admit to the fact that I have been very severe and irrational in my thinking in the past. I was recently editing some of my writing from years ago and realized how I have in fact evolved. Yet, the strand of me that remains is one of hurt – simple human hurt. I’ve wanted to believe I was immuned to this kind of hurt but I know without anyone telling me that human hurt and I began at an early age.
My deepest conviction as a child was to not be a sinner (which I severely failed) and to help (even save) people less fortunate than me (something I could never do enough – immeasurable as it was). And so the story of my young life unfolded.
I was an emotional child. I think I attempted to convey the depth of my faith through the overflow of my tears. And truly I was heartbroken by my sinful nature. I was utterly overwhelmed by the darkness in the world. I was often sad. Due to my sadness I secluded myself.
Yet, all along the way, I did a seemingly fantastic job of disguising my misery and torn soul. I confessed often. I checked off the boxes of my religious gain and strived to out preform my brothers and sisters in Christ. I even went so far as to pray for the opportunity to be a martyr for my faith. That I, like the prophets, would live a life worthy of my death for not renouncing my faith.
Now, multiply these extreme stances by two decades and fuel them with the fervor of prayer upon prayer. Add a dash of pride in being better than the next mortal on the church bench and then throw in the utmost support and encouragement of every adult who I respected. Finish it off with a fall from grace and betrayal like that of Judas and BAM!
My life held ZERO meaning.
Confusion became me. Guilt engulfed my thoughts and actions. I second-guessed my every step and didn’t trust any relationship. I behaved recklessly.
It’s no surprise that my life was fragile enough to destroy in 2010. For, I was not who I was designed to be. Designed by religion to carry out an existence that benefited the very system that created it. Not a life that was my own, but slavery to an idea I had no assurance of when I met my ruin.
Now, hear me when I say, this is MUCH more complex than the preceding sentences. However, this was my perception of my reality and for anyone to say he or she knew better would be to say you lived through every experience I had. How can I judge you when I think that way?!
Yet we do, sweet little fellow humans, we always do.
Still, I am not so nieve to think that I can get away with anything because you don’t know me or what I’ve been through. I’m no victim to my past. I choose to be a scholar of it. I realize we can’t exist together in society, much less community, if we are driven by our misunderstanding of one another. I do want to understand other peoples’ struggles. I confess, I get uncomfortable quickly when I try to feel what someone else has experienced.
The more I share the story of my coming out as a lesbian to my hyper conservative family, or my suicide attempt the more I realize how little I understand about the sorrow that sweeps over a soul who is rejected or alone. I set out months ago to solve a frightening problem called suicide due to depression when you feel outcast. Today, I realize there’s nothing for me to say except:
Love the ones near you. Watch the corners of your world for anyone isolated. Follow your gut. Protect your family and friends. Respond to the ones who reach for you. And listen just listen – not only to words, but to silence. Silence is a place where many lives are lost…
…at least that’s my experience.
Brava, my love! I have been by your side over the past 5 years. I am proud of your growth and drive to understand who you are and who you desire to be. Enjoy watching you grow.
Love thee! Thanks for sticking it out through all my bumpiness.
GREAT words here, Sarah. One of my favorite writing of yours thus far, I think. It’s honest, translucent, and powerful–in it’s form and content. You have such an interesting and winding story, friend. I hope more people will read and listen, enjoy and learn.
On another note: DUDE, when am u going to see you again?!
Alaina! Where in the world are you? Literally? Thank you for still caring enough to read my stuff. You have always been a special force. I’d love the opportunity to share you with my little family. It’s possible and we should! <3 Email or call.
Beautiful, honest words. I feel as though I know you better now with all the miles between us than when we spent so many hours together as children. Wishes of peace, love, and happiness continually sent your way.
Jess, growing up with someone is a peculiar thing, eh. I feel like I know me better now too. I’m glad we’ve been able to bridge the distance and keep in touch through all these miles and years.
P.S. I love the “tough shit” tag.